Random Thoughts

  

I had a wonderful Christmas with family and friends, and now am getting ready for my next hospital admission on Wednesday. I have been meaning to post, but don’t really have a complete topic to post about, so here some thoughts and things I am processing.

• I am sleeping better (hence the lack of posts), which is a good thing! I think now that I am about 6 or 7 weeks into this I am starting to mentally adjust to the idea that I actually have cancer. I don’t know if that mental adjustment is good or bad for my mental health, or like everything else, just is what it is. All I can do is do the best I can every day, which I am very thankful is pretty good most of the time.
• Having cancer sucks! Not to state the obvious, but just when I think I have a routine down and I know what to expect, cancer will throw me a curve ball and I will end up in the emergency room at 3 am on Sunday morning with the worst headache I have ever had. It ended up being not that big of a deal (side effect of the lumbar puncture and dehydration), and now I know what it is like to take two doses of liquid morphine with my head packed in ice… Not everyone can say that! 
• I’m dreading going into the hospital again. I shouldn’t complain because it really could be so much worse… But I really don’t want to be there. It is so much more mentally and physically exhausting, and the constant monitoring of everything from vital signs to urine output to blood work is enough to drive anyone crazy! 
• My tastes have changed slightly. So far, I only notice it when I drink water. I get a weird after taste, making it unappealing (explains dehydration above).  I’m drinking flavored water, tea, soda, bubbly water to try to keep hydrated, but it is definitely a challenge, and I’m hoping this isn’t a sign of more changes in my taste buds to come.
•  My hair is VERY thin, like noticeably weird looking now. I have gone out in public in a wig twice. I feel super awkward at first, then don’t really notice after a while. It is nice to feel more feminine than my short haircut, and I think it makes my facial swelling less noticeable. That in itself makes me feel more like me. I am thankfull that I have the option of blending in with a crowd.
• Taking care of a 1 year old is a full time job! This I already knew, but can really appreciate this week because our daycare is closed. I love spending lots of time with Bea, but boy am I ready for bedtime when 7pm comes around. It is very hard for me to admit to myself that I am not really capable of taking care of her alone all day. Tom and the grandparents have been great, I just don’t have the energy I used to have. 
• Sick babies are no fun! Bea still has a cold (or possibly croup), which is making my normally good sleeper into a barking seal at night. Poor little thing, it breaks my heart to hear her cough and not be able to do anything about it! Also, I am freaked out about limiting my exposure to croup (impossible and already too late, I’m sure), but it is giving me something new to worry about.
• I miss work! Unexpectedly, I have been so busy I have hardly had a chance to be board, but I went to my office end of year party, and I miss both the people and the routine. I want to be there doing my job! This is a great reminder that I am so blessed to love what I do, that my treatment will be relatively short, and that I have a job to go back to.
• The new Star Wars movie was awesome! It was exactly the right blend of nostalgia and new characters/plot, and was a ton of fun. It was a great way to escape from everything for a few hours!